Dear Family At Chuck E. Cheese,

Dear Family that stared around in alarm when my son began to pick at the pizza on their plates,

I am SO sorry. I promise you manners are a really big deal in my house, but being patrons of Chuck E. Cheese yourself, I am sure you understand that those manners and other childhood lessons fly out the window in places like that. How can my son be expected to focus on only HIS food in a place that encourages a kid to be a kid?

Never the less, my son WAS scolded but to the matriarch of that family, I really didn't appreciate your snide remark about me being a young parent. Are three year olds born to 20 year olds THE ONLY kids in the world that have done this? Because I saw a kid eating cake off of the floor earlier...and he wasn't my kid!

Anyway, thanks for not smacking my kid's hands (I did it for you when we got back to our booth) and thanks for not having us thrown out (btw, after your remark about me young, I kept a close eye on your kids and your little boy? Well, he displays some Michael C. Hall via Dexter tendencies if you ask me-trapping the other kids in the 'dark room'. And um, just so you know, you're SUPPOSED to keep your socks on but your daughter was running around completely barefooted. Aren't you and all older moms worried about things like fungus?). But hey, what do I know? I'm just raising a kid in my early 20s and everyone knows that only three year olds that belong to 20-some year olds have the mentality that everything is their's right? I'm sure YOUR three year old has never thrown a fit and gotten upset when you said no-because you're 36 and gave birth after marriage, right?

I suggest if you want to get into that Heaven that your kids are learning about every Sunday when you drag them to church to keep up appearances you make sure to learn a little lesson about JUDGEMENT because my age had nothing to do with what my son was doing. It was embarrassing enough when I caught my son eating your food-don't you think you could have had some GRACE and COMPASSION instead of making a snide remark about my age? Its women like YOU who make younger moms like me who are actually FANTASTIC parents feel inferior and nervous about going out in public. But don't worry about that because you can keep on with that upper hand in play groups, ok?

Sincerely,

The Incompetent Almost 23 Year Old Of The Sweetest and Most Intelligent Almost 3 Year Old At Chuck E. Cheese on March 24, 2011  ((xox))

Dear Michael David,

Dear son of mine,

Your given name might be Michael David but I am your mother and I will call you whatever the Hell I want. And I want to call you Davey Bear. It a right given to me by Mother Nature, who I think, when she is not raining Hell on my body, understands the types of things a mother goes through as her firstborn son grows up.

I love you more than anything else on the face of the planet but I cannot stand this age. Two was just fine and I thought somehow we might be able to skip to 10 years old and I wouldn't have to go through the painful process of your first day of school. Somehow we'd wake up and you'd just have been going for awhile and it would be nothing new. But no, next month you turn three and you are a holy terror and some days I am terrified of you and soon we will need to look for preschools.

This negotiation phase you are going through needs to stop. When I tell you to do something you should  run up to me, kiss my cheek and say "Yes, ma'am." Then you should joyfully scamper off to do whatever it is that I, in my infinite wisdom, told you to do. I will accept that these past few weeks of you responding to my every request with "How about we...." were just a mistake and you will now go back to being perfect.

And another thing while we're talking about you being perfect. You are adorable and your butt is a mini replica of your father's and that never ceases to amuse me. However, you must start wearing pants on a regular basis. That includes underwear. We all know what you've got down there, you never miss an opportunity to point out that you do, indeed, have a penis and a butt. But not everyone in the free world cares to know about them, let alone see them, so please stop trying to show off your goods in the supermarket, Ikea, back of my work.

I am sure that you are also aware that you are not yet quite three. While I appreciate your independence and your willingness to play in your room and scribble on the walls with crayon so I can take a quick nap after you've been up all night singing Taylor Swift songs, you need to accept that I am your Mommy and it is my job to make you play with me. I know you have important things to build with your blocks but wouldn't it be nice if we just snuggled on the sofa and watched a movie about talking farm animals and heroic pig? I know if you would just give it a chance, you'd agree and we'd have fun and I wouldn't feel like you are already trying to leave me!

I know I said that I hate this age and these phases you are going through but every day when you grow up a little more my heart breaks a little more. I really just want you to go back to being a newborn and sleeping in a Moses Basket at the head of our bed. Oh, I wish I had appreciated those times more rather than worrying about silly things like if you were going to smother with your tiny stuffed penguin in there. I wish I had carried you in the sling more instead of putting you in the stroller. I'm sorry if that causes any intimacy issues when you're older because i promise I wasn't trying to 'push you away' from me, I was just insanely worried that the strap on the sling would somehow rip and you would fall onto the ground and suffer brain trauma and it would be all my fault because I couldn't figure out to wrap that damn sling around my torso correctly. You will never understand the irrational fears that go through a first time parent's mind until you are one yourself but I hope when you are older you will be able to make some sense of the crazy things I did purely out of love for you.

Because even on the bad days the one thing that never changes is that I love you more than anything and you will always be my baby bear.

Love always,

Mommy.